Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Some Days are Better Than Others... was an "other" day. 

Disclaimer: I'm honest in this post, and it's not always pretty. Just so you know... 

Today I woke up with a sore throat and stuffy nose on top of the "normal" pain. My first thoughts?

I don't have the strength to deal with this. I can't do it. This is just too much....

I'm tired. 

I'm tired of being in constant pain. I'm tired of not feeling well. I'm tired of asking for help. I'm tired of not walking, not driving, not being independent. Not knowing...

Can I do this? Can I go to physical therapy each day and be "happy" with the fact that I can set my foot on the ground for a few minutes and do a few simple exercises? Can I handle not having a light at the end of the tunnel?

Some days, yes. Days like today? No. 

I had to hold back tears all morning. I wanted to snap at people who asked me when I'd walk again. I wanted to scream every time someone told me my foot looked better. Really? Compared to what? Because it looks exactly the same as it did last week--disgusting. I wanted to jump up and down and throw something. But, I can't even stand up. 

This was not the plan.

My patience is gone. Completely. I want to curl up in bed and stay there. It doesn't hurt when I'm asleep. 

I should probably head there now. A good sleep always helps. Crying also helps. I've done it the whole time I've been writing. I just needed to let this all out. I needed to be honest--and not just on the good days. 

"Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that good and bad come?"  ~Lamentations 3:38

Today was bad--pretty darn bad. But, I know there will be good days as well. I know God's strength is made perfect in my weakness. I know He will never leave me. I know He will carry me through this...

...but why can't my heart always believe what I know to be true in my head? 

I guess some days are just "other" days, and I pray I don't have many more of them...

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