Saturday, April 26, 2014

FYF: Reflections on My First Ever Blog Post

I'm writing this post to reflect upon my first ever blog post that I shared yesterday. If you missed it, click here.

Five years sure does go quickly, doesn't it? 

My five years in Long Beach seemed to last a lifetime.  It's so difficult to believe that I've been living back in Bakersfield for almost the same amount of time.

A lot sure does change in five years. Reader's Digest Update: I've been a part of Living Grace church and loving it since I moved home. I have been back to Romania twice and am about to go again. I've had two foot surgeries, and I developed a nerve disease after the second one. I have been teaching full time since shortly after this original blog post (where I complained that I couldn't even get a sub job). I have taught three different grades at three different schools. My mom still has more of a social life than I do. The one friend I mentioned in my first post has since moved. God has given me many people here that I love, but I struggle with not having a group of friends (ok, even really one friend) here that's around my age and life stage that I can just call up for dinner or coffee or a random Target trip. 

This line from my original post really hit me: I knew God wanted me here, and I thought I knew why–I had no idea. That was a difficult realization.

How true that line STILL is. But, isn't that life? Do we ever really know what God is doing?

Take a look back at these few lines: I sit here content–knowing that no matter what my plans and ideas were, my God is Sovereign. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. He is good. He is just. He is faithful.


So, God, why am I here?
Sometimes it’s just really hard. I don’t have all the answers; I don’t know all He has planned for me here and now, but I rejoice in the fact that He has a plan, and I consider it a joy when I get to see bits and pieces of that plan fall into place.
Amen to that first paragraph! At that moment, I never imagined that those words would still ring SO true five years later, but RING, RING, RING! 
And sometimes it still IS really hard, and that's ok! I have NO IDEA all that God has for me, but I STILL know that He has a plan. Five years ago I was able to consider it joy when bits and pieces of God's plan was revealed to me. So, I should be overjoyed with all He's done in five years. 
Let's take a brief (ok, I'll try to keep it brief) look:
God has given me the PURE JOY and AMAZINGLY RIDICULOUS CHALLENGE of teaching junior high. It has given me some of my highest highs and my lowest lows. I NEVER wanted to teach junior high (like, EVER!), but God knew it was the perfect place for me, and now I wouldn't change it for anything. I love my job. I adore my kids. I have the most amazing co-workers. I am constantly challenged and stretched and humbled. It's hard and wonderful and scary and FUN. 
I have had the ability to live at home (with the coolest roommate!) and pay off my student loans, travel to some awesome places, experience some incredible things, buy my first car, and have my mom close by when I needed her the most--after my two surgeries. God literally brought me to my knees MULTIPLE times after temporarily taking away my ability to walk. When I had nothing left of myself, I had no choice but to lean on God (browse back through the blog for more entries--starting here-- on that topic). 
I have been blessed with an incredible Bible believing and Bible teaching church. I have learned more in these five years than I have in my whole life combined--no joke. I am excited for what God will continue to teach me and do in the life of this church. 
God sent me back to Romania after a six year Romania drought. I went back in 2012, led a team in 2013, and am going back with Living Grace's pastor, my madre, DeAnn Sampley, and John Penrose next month. God is doing HUGE things in Romania, and I am honored and humbled to be a small part of it. Being in Bakersfield has allowed me to get more involved in this ministry state-side, and I know that I will continue to serve and work in this area (both here and in Romania) for as long as God allows.

(Part of our Romania team in 2012)
Like I mentioned previously, the whole friend thing has been a challenge. I'm sure God is using this time for a purpose, although I can't see it right now. But, like my first blog post proves, God is always working, even when I can't see it or understand it. 
So, what now? WHO THE HECK KNOWS?! Five years later, perhaps I have to end this blog post the same way I ended my first one (although I have to admit that I copy and paste the "excited" part in the first line with a bit of hesitation): 
Above all, I am excited about this time in my life that is not “planned out” for me. I have always known (to some extent) what was next on the agenda of life-–preschool, elementary school, junior high, high school, college-–and now life is one big huge question mark. It’s scary and overwhelming, it’s unknown and I am so unsure, but my God is so sure. This is a time in my life when I can do nothing else but trust in Him.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” -Proverbs 3:5
It isn’t always easy. I don’t always “feel” content. But, God’s peace is so evident, and it blankets  my soul. He is doing a mighty work in me. He is doing a mighty work in those around me. I just hope and pray that I can honor Him with my life, that I can be content no matter my circumstances. I pray that I will always be “steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord [my] labor in not in vain.” (1 Corinthians 15:58)
So here I am, in Bakersfield, striving to embrace what God has for me here and now. I will remain here until He leads me on, and I pray that I will remain faithful to Him and His calling on my life…
…whatever that may be.

...whatever that may be.



Friday, April 25, 2014

Five Year Flashback: My First Ever Blog Post

A while back I stumbled across a blog I started back in 2009. I honestly don't remember starting it or ever posting on it, but...apparently I did....for about a month. It's quite an interesting look back, actually. Too bad I didn't keep up with it. 

I decided to share a few of the posts on here in the coming days and follow them up with reflective type posts. We'll see how it goes... :) 

from September 14, 2009:

I'm Actually Blogging...? 

I never thought I’d actually start a blog–never thought I’d have anything interesting enough to say. That may very well be the case, but nevertheless, here goes nothing… It could work; it could be a good place to sort out my thoughts; it could be a good place for a few of you to keep up on my life here in Bakersfield….
Speaking of which, my life is here now (in Bakersfield) more or less. I moved back at the end of May after being in Long Beach for five years. Strange: when I moved to Long Beach, I couldn’t stand it there, I couldn’t imagine being there for the next four or five years of my life. Never would I have thought that when it came time to leave, tears would flood my eyes and a deep ache would take up residence in my heart. A lot changes in five years. I changed a lot in five years…
But, Bakersfield is where I felt God wanted me to be at that moment. I had my plans and ideas of why I was coming back, and I was content with that. Apparently, God had something completely different in mind. The reasons I thought he was bringing me back were far from the reality of why I sit here now. I thought I would be able to work in town, or sub every day at the least–there are no jobs, sub jobs are far and few between. I thought I’d move back into my house and keep my mom company–she has much more of a social life than me. I thought I’d go back to the church I grew up in and loved–I am now part of a new church plant, out of my comfort zone, and trying to find a place to fit in and serve. I thought I’d reconnect with the old friends that I have still in town–I have one here now.
I knew God wanted me here, and I thought I knew why–I had no idea. That was a difficult realization.
As I try to process through all that, as I struggle with all the change that tornadoes around me, and as my heart still longs for Southern California, I sit here content–knowing that no matter what my plans and ideas were, my God is Sovereign. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. He is good. He is just. He is faithful.
So, God, why am I here?
Sometimes it’s just really hard. I don’t have all the answers; I don’t know all He has planned for me here and now, but I rejoice in the fact that He has a plan, and I consider it a joy when I get to see bits and pieces of that plan fall into place.
I am excited about Living Grace, the new church God led me to. I am excited about diving into the word, about meeting new people, about reaching out the community, and about serving the growing youth group. I am excited about connecting with that old friend and deepening our relationship. I am excited about her servant’s heart and being able to serve alongside her in our city. I am excited about the few sub jobs that I am blessed with, the experience I am gaining, the overwhelming challenge subbing can present, and the flexible schedule I have. I am excited about the down time I have here, the opportunities to sit back and read, write, and create because of the lack of constant social interaction. I am excited about the precious opportunities I have to travel down south and further cultivate the dear friendships I have down there.
Above all, I am excited about this time in my life that is not “planned out” for me. I have always known (to some extent) what was next on the agenda of life–preschool, elementary school, junior high, high school, college–and now life is one big huge question mark. It’s scary and overwhelming, it’s unknown and I am so unsure, but my God is so sure. This is a time in my life when I can do nothing else but trust in Him.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” -Proverbs 3:5
It isn’t always easy. I don’t always “feel” content. But, God’s peace is so evident, and it blankets  my soul. He is doing a mighty work in me. He is doing a mighty work in those around me. I just hope and pray that I can honor Him with my life, that I can be content no matter my circumstances. I pray that I will always be “steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord [my] labor in not in vain.” (1 Corinthians 15:58)
So here I am, in Bakersfield, striving to embrace what God has for me here and now. I will remain here until He leads me on, and I pray that I will remain faithful to Him and His calling on my life…

…whatever that may be.


(One of my many trips down south in the fall of 2009)


:::Stay tuned for my thoughts on my first ever blog pose.:::

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Make Me Broken

Have you ever prayed that prayer? 

It's not a natural cry.

It doesn't seem to flow easily from our human hearts. 

It's terrifying, really. 

Terrifying...yet completely and purely sweet. 


This song by Sidewalk Prophets has been on repeat on my iPhone and in my mind lately...

"Keep Making Me"

Make me broken
So I can be healed
'Cause I'm so calloused
And now I can't feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
'Cause I'm still holding
Onto my will
And I'm completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
'Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
'Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

[Chorus]

'Til You are my one desire
'Til You are my one true love
'Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making,
I know You'll keep making
Lord, please keep making me



I so desperately want this to be my prayer. 

I so want this to be my heart. 

Every word of this song is what I've been battling with for days, months, YEARS. 


My God, please keep making me... 





"But you, O LORD, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head. I cried aloud to the LORD, and he answered me from his holy hill."     ~Psalm 3:3-4