I Walked Yesterday...

...kind of...

Let's rewind a bit.

Tuesday evening, Wednesday, and Thursday morning were rough. More pain. Darker color. Color rising higher on my ankle. Super discouraged. 

Thursday afternoon I went back to physical therapy (my home away from home).

I sat down, Jess (my PT) looked down at my foot, and immediately made a face.

Jess: Your foot is telling me that it needs to be down. We need to get you off of that scooter--it's keeping your foot up too much. What about crutches? A walker? It's quite a Catch 22--we need to get your foot down, but you can't walk yet. We need to think through this....

As I struggled to listen, tears burned my eyes. I fought them back. What was running through my mind? I can't. I need my hands. How will I work? It'll hurt too much. I'm scared....and on and on and on.

Jess: Let's get the walker. Will you try walking for me?  

I looked up and hesitantly nodded. Apparently I wasn't convincing.

Jess: Are you sure you want to try? 

Me: I'll do whatever you think is best. I trust you. 

And I do. Completely. As scared as I was, I was willing. I trust Jess. I know she knows what she's talking about.

I stood up with the walker. With Jess making sure I was stable, I tentatively took a "step." To be clear, a "step" means that my weight was on my left foot and my hands while my right foot "went through the motions." It took absolutely all of my concentration and will power to keep my right foot touching the floor as I "walked" across to another chair.

My hands started sweating. I started getting dizzy. But, I made it. And shockingly, my foot handled it quite well. It seemed to like "walking" better than sitting or standing.

I did my "lap" a few more times. Jess said that I got a gold star for the day.

Time to celebrate, right? Well, that's what one would think.

However, my brain and heart were not there. Sure, this was a "big step," but I was just frustrated and freaked. This Catch 22 was really catching me up. How can I do this at work? I need my hands. This hurts. This is hard. If the scooter is "making things worse" then I don't want to use it at all. But, I can't do without it yet. I need to find a balance. What does that look like? What do I do?--a tornado of thoughts bombarded me.

Jess and my mom were so excited as we left with yet another walker (one for home and one for work), but I was overwhelmed.

We went to a friend's house for dinner. I burst into tears as we pulled up into the driveway. I had to pull it together. I didn't want to go in, but I'm so glad I did. It was a great distraction and a good encouragement.

God certainly does continue to provide.

As we returned home yesterday evening, I received a card in the mail from the brother and sister in law. This poem was on the front:

God has not promised
Skies always blue,
Flower-strewn pathways
All our lives through;
God has not promised
Sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow,
Peace without pain.

But God has promised
Strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer,
Light for the way,
Grace for the trials,
Help from above,
Unfailing sympathy,

Undying love. 

-Annie Johnson Flint

That was exactly what I needed. Thanks Bubba and Polly, and thanks God for using them to again show me Your love and encouragement.

And, as is often the case, the morning brings new perspective and hope. My torrent of questions and fear and uncertainty began to clear a bit. Determination set in.

I took the walker to work today. I actually did a few "laps" back and forth from the front of my room to my desk and back again. I tried "walking" with slippers, but my left foot couldn't handle the lack of support. I tried my sandals, but my right foot got too swollen. I'm still trying to figure out a happy medium, but at least I'm trying...

It wasn't easy. I was scared. It hurt like crazy. But, God has promised strength, rest, light, grace, help, sympathy, and love. 

Hopefully and prayerfully I'll be able to put some weight on my foot soon. I don't know when I'll truly be able to walk again, but I have to trust in God's strength. I have no other choice. 



Thanks for your continued encouragement and prayers.