I decided to share a few of the posts on here in the coming days and follow them up with reflective type posts. We'll see how it goes... :)
from September 14, 2009:
I'm Actually Blogging...?
I never thought I’d actually start a blog–never thought I’d have anything interesting enough to say. That may very well be the case, but nevertheless, here goes nothing… It could work; it could be a good place to sort out my thoughts; it could be a good place for a few of you to keep up on my life here in Bakersfield….
Speaking of which, my life is here now (in Bakersfield) more or less. I moved back at the end of May after being in Long Beach for five years. Strange: when I moved to Long Beach, I couldn’t stand it there, I couldn’t imagine being there for the next four or five years of my life. Never would I have thought that when it came time to leave, tears would flood my eyes and a deep ache would take up residence in my heart. A lot changes in five years. I changed a lot in five years…
But, Bakersfield is where I felt God wanted me to be at that moment. I had my plans and ideas of why I was coming back, and I was content with that. Apparently, God had something completely different in mind. The reasons I thought he was bringing me back were far from the reality of why I sit here now. I thought I would be able to work in town, or sub every day at the least–there are no jobs, sub jobs are far and few between. I thought I’d move back into my house and keep my mom company–she has much more of a social life than me. I thought I’d go back to the church I grew up in and loved–I am now part of a new church plant, out of my comfort zone, and trying to find a place to fit in and serve. I thought I’d reconnect with the old friends that I have still in town–I have one here now.
I knew God wanted me here, and I thought I knew why–I had no idea. That was a difficult realization.
As I try to process through all that, as I struggle with all the change that tornadoes around me, and as my heart still longs for Southern California, I sit here content–knowing that no matter what my plans and ideas were, my God is Sovereign. His ways are not my ways and His thoughts are not my thoughts. He is good. He is just. He is faithful.
So, God, why am I here?
Sometimes it’s just really hard. I don’t have all the answers; I don’t know all He has planned for me here and now, but I rejoice in the fact that He has a plan, and I consider it a joy when I get to see bits and pieces of that plan fall into place.
I am excited about Living Grace, the new church God led me to. I am excited about diving into the word, about meeting new people, about reaching out the community, and about serving the growing youth group. I am excited about connecting with that old friend and deepening our relationship. I am excited about her servant’s heart and being able to serve alongside her in our city. I am excited about the few sub jobs that I am blessed with, the experience I am gaining, the overwhelming challenge subbing can present, and the flexible schedule I have. I am excited about the down time I have here, the opportunities to sit back and read, write, and create because of the lack of constant social interaction. I am excited about the precious opportunities I have to travel down south and further cultivate the dear friendships I have down there.
Above all, I am excited about this time in my life that is not “planned out” for me. I have always known (to some extent) what was next on the agenda of life–preschool, elementary school, junior high, high school, college–and now life is one big huge question mark. It’s scary and overwhelming, it’s unknown and I am so unsure, but my God is so sure. This is a time in my life when I can do nothing else but trust in Him.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths.” -Proverbs 3:5
It isn’t always easy. I don’t always “feel” content. But, God’s peace is so evident, and it blankets my soul. He is doing a mighty work in me. He is doing a mighty work in those around me. I just hope and pray that I can honor Him with my life, that I can be content no matter my circumstances. I pray that I will always be “steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord [my] labor in not in vain.” (1 Corinthians 15:58)
So here I am, in Bakersfield, striving to embrace what God has for me here and now. I will remain here until He leads me on, and I pray that I will remain faithful to Him and His calling on my life…
…whatever that may be.
:::Stay tuned for my thoughts on my first ever blog pose.:::