Why Not Me?

Disclaimers:

1. I am not sitting here wallowing in self pity.
2. I don't cry myself to sleep at night or sob when I watch "Say Yes to the Dress" (not that there's anything wrong with that).
3. I don't burn green with envy when I see people's dreams come true.
4. I am actually quite content in life right now.
5. I trust in God's sovereignty and I KNOW His timing is perfect.

That being said...

       ...I sometimes do struggle with where I am in life.
       ...I do deeply desire to someday have a husband and family.

So, when those struggles or feelings arise, I write--so that I don't do #1-3 above.

I want to be real and honest, so here is a little something I wrote a few nights ago (no, it wasn't on Valentine's Day!)...

Why Not Me?


I see all the black and white, 
Followed by the pink and blue. 


And I can't help but think,
Is this reality really true?


This was never my aim,
Though Your ways aren't my own.


Am I somehow to blame;
Will I always remain alone?


Why must I continue to wait?
Why them and not me?


If Your will is true and great,
Then why even let me dream?

And for all of you single ladies out there (great, now that stupid song that everyone plays for the bouquet toss at weddings is stuck in my head), check out this blog--The Sexy Celibate--yup, you read that right. The tag line?  Thirty Something. Christian. Fully Clothed. Blogging About It. I haven't read much yet, and I'm already a fan. :) 

Thanks for the Reminder...

As I glanced to the right of my Facebook page this evening, I see a status update from this day in 2009: 


I get to work every day this week! Thank you Lord!!!


I was subbing, as I had yet to be hired by Bakersfield City. It's amazing to pause and think about all that has changed in two short years:


* I got hired by Bakersfield City and taught 6th grade English and History. 


* I experienced my first and last (so far) relationship.


* I had foot surgery and discovered my complete hatred for casts. 


* I spent months and months in physical therapy, hoping to walk normally again.


* I went to Puerto Vallarta. 


* I got hired by PBVUSD and taught 7th and 8th grade at Thompson. 


* I turned a quarter of a century old. 


* I finished BTSA.


* I found out I'd had to leave Thompson and I was crushed. 


* I went to Europe and the UK.


* I cruised to Mexico.


* I flew in a helicopter to the Grand Canyon. 


* I packed up a classroom and moved to Warren.


* I started my third year of teaching at my third school. 


* I bought a car.


It's hard to believe all that has happened in two short years. Some of it has been amazing, some of it has been crushing, but God has remained my rock through it all. Thanks for the reminder, Facebook. I'm excited to see what's ahead. It can be difficult waiting in this unknown chapter of life, but I must trust in God's perfect and sovereign plan. 


What might my list in 2013 look like? 

Chapter Unknown

This is something that I wrote a few months back, but it's been on my heart a lot lately, and I thought I'd share it here...

Chapter Unknown

Those two words explain my thoughts and feelings about life right now.

Part of me is extremely excited about it. I have this hopeful expectation about what God has planned for me. I completely and confidently trust that He has had each of my days written out before one of them comes to be. He has shown me His sovereignty over and over throughout my life. I know His plans are perfect and I know His ways are good.

However, His ways are not my ways, and His thoughts are not my thoughts…

That leads me to the other part of my heart—the part that feels “stuck” for lack of a better word. As we grow up, the next “step” or “chapter” of life is fairly clearly placed before us. We start Kindergarten at age five, we finish Elementary School and go on to Junior High, we begin High School and spend four years there—all the while knowing and celebrating the year we will graduate (2004, thank you very much). Then, although it may be unknown for a time, we go on to college, decide on a career path, graduate college, and start a job (praise the Lord I have a job).

And this seems to be the last “step” or “chapter” that is really set out for us….

What now? What do I do? Where do I go? I wait…

Never would I have imagined that I’d be living at home at the age of twenty-five, teaching Junior High, and waiting…

I feel like I’m living this chapter of my life that God has written long ago, but it’s not an ordinary chapter—it’s the chapter of the book that you’re in the middle of when you say to yourself “oh I’ll set the book down after this chapter” and it just keeps going on and on and on.

It seems like there is no end in sight. Of course, you know the chapter always does come to an end, and a new one will inevitably begin with it’s adventures and challenges and joys and heartaches. But, as you’re anticipating the next exciting chapter, you struggle to enjoy the seemingly never-ending chapter you’re currently reading.

Stuck.

I’m struggling to not feel stuck. I’m struggling to embrace this time of life and the lessons that God is teaching me now. I’m struggling with patience and making the most of every day. I’m struggling to make the most of this chapter of my life. I want to enjoy every word of every sentence of every paragraph of every page without peeking ahead.

I normally love surprises. I’m not one who likes to find hidden presents around the house or peek ahead to see what happens at the end of the book…so why is this so different?

Why do I so desperately want to know what’s next?

Perhaps because I’ve been waiting for this particular chapter since I was a little girl?

I don’t have the answers. Praise the Lord that He does. As I struggle to embrace this chapter of my life and wait in hopeful expectation of the next, may this song be my anthem:

While I’m Waiting

By, John Waller

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am hopeful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it is painful

But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident

Taking every step in obedience

While I'm waiting

I will serve You

While I'm waiting

I will worship

While I'm waiting

I will not faint

I'll be running the race

Even while I wait

I'm waiting

I'm waiting on You, Lord

And I am peaceful

I'm waiting on You, Lord

Though it's not easy

But faithfully, I will wait

Yes, I will wait

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve You while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting

I will serve you while I'm waiting

I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord